I don't know if it's appropriate for me to write this, as my first entry, after three years. But, here we go.
It was hard. Yesterday felt hard. I was a robot, working on a fixed programme. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel any happy. I didn't feel alive. I didn't feel like living. There was a big empty space in my heart. Naturally, I found myself plotting the best possible way to d i e. It felt like my big dreams as a kid are going to waste. I don't know what's love anymore. I don't think I'd believe in anything in this world anymore. Everything seemed fake.
I slept on my usual schedule. Or maybe I should paraphrase it as "I went to bed on my usual schedule" Why? Because I was not technically sleeping. My mind was wandering all over places. Trying to find a reason to stay alive. Finding the purpose of breathing. My head was pounding, and I couldn't breathe. The more I think about it, the more I felt like vomiting. Eventually, I slept for a few hours, and woke up at 4 a.m.
The plan for today was to wake up early for a jog. But since the plan was cancelled for a reason, and I don't have my jogging partner, I decided to stay longer in bed, as my body feels tired from overthinking things yesterday.
I scrolled Twitter. Found this article. I usually skip emotional posts. Because of the obvious main reason, I am emotional. I cried singing Negaraku. That is how bad. Anyway, I read the article because a friend of mine told me how beautifully Elena (the author) covers the story. And she was right. It is beautifully written. The story is lovely and pure to start with. And the outcome is, perfect. Please go and check out the article.
After reading, and crying, I feel alive. For a reason. I want to love like Kamal and Nik Idzni. I might not receive the same type of love Nik Idzni get, but, I want to be able to provide unconditional love like Kamal. Like Mak did when Abah was still around. She hurdled everything alone to take care of him, without a single complaint. I was born to these two people that are full of pure love, I am full of love to start with. I am able to love people unconditionally. This is one of the greatest gifts God has gifted me with. How come I forget about it? How come I felt nothing mattered before?
I told a friend before, I am full of love and that I give love to people even if they break me millions of times. And in this case, I think that it is not my fault. I am born with so much love. I want to be able to love them until I have nothing to regret when anything happened. I break and torn in the process of giving love, but I'd love them anyway. May one day, I'd receive the same love I've been giving. May one day I stop feeling wanting to d i e at the smallest casualties that happened. May all of you find happiness and love in everything you do. May Allah bless all of us with ultimate care and love. Take care. Thank you for always being there for me.
Anggerik
